I made great strides all month to make sure I did a large majority of the posts necessary for #Blaugust. I attempted to be engaging with the community and I wanted to find new bloggers to continue reading well after the event was over.
But once I got home from Vegas after visiting family and driving 8+ hours and it was late and I had a car full of stuff from relatives who had passed, I just didn’t have the energy. I had a school paper to write that I had been granted an extension on! Very nice thing my professor gave me, the extension, but my brain and heart weren’t in the game of paper-writing at. all. I just didn’t care.
It’s not because I’ve never had family members pass before, I have. I just think my grandma was the first one that I felt close to, so her passing was more significant.
My friends have been good to me, and I appreciate them immensely. My BFF wanted to talk and I’m not really in the mood or mental state for that. I’m not sure if I’m just grieving internally or if I just don’t want to talk about it.
Talking about it makese remember. Remembering makes me cry. And I’m tired of crying.
So my apartment is filled with clothes I haven’t unpacked or put into the laundry basket, knicknacks and weird momentos from my grandma and uncle (who passed fairly recently too), and then my own stuff.
I feel overwhelmed by stuff.
So I’ve avoided writing because I’m not even sure what to write about anymore. I’ve thought about writing. Writing about Diablo, my 360 controller nonsense for my PC, getting Grandia II for my birthday (and the glitches and problems with the game), and Season 4 for Diablo. I actually have things I can write about, but the act of writing seems exhausting.
So instead I thought about writing and instead pouted on the inside and refused to do anything but escape. Escape was what I needed.
There are many things I learned about myself, my writing, and blogging this month, in the midst of huge disruptions and epic loss. The hope is that I can find the energy to write more anyway.
Blaugust has been an amazing experience, and I had a ton of fun all month!
Even if I’m a loser.
And a huge shout-out to @Belghast for organizing and keeping track of everything. And to anook for giving us all a place to “meet up” online, our clubhouse of sorts. Congrats to those of you who managed to write 31 posts this month. And an even bigger congrats to those of you who came and tried in spite of everything. It takes a lot of courage to start something new and put yourself out there!