I made great strides all month to make sure I did a large majority of the posts necessary for #Blaugust. I attempted to be engaging with the community and I wanted to find new bloggers to continue reading well after the event was over.
But once I got home from Vegas after visiting family and driving 8+ hours and it was late and I had a car full of stuff from relatives who had passed, I just didn’t have the energy. I had a school paper to write that I had been granted an extension on! Very nice thing my professor gave me, the extension, but my brain and heart weren’t in the game of paper-writing at. all. I just didn’t care.
It’s not because I’ve never had family members pass before, I have. I just think my grandma was the first one that I felt close to, so her passing was more significant.
My friends have been good to me, and I appreciate them immensely. My BFF wanted to talk and I’m not really in the mood or mental state for that. I’m not sure if I’m just grieving internally or if I just don’t want to talk about it.
Talking about it makese remember. Remembering makes me cry. And I’m tired of crying.
So my apartment is filled with clothes I haven’t unpacked or put into the laundry basket, knicknacks and weird momentos from my grandma and uncle (who passed fairly recently too), and then my own stuff.
I feel overwhelmed by stuff.
So I’ve avoided writing because I’m not even sure what to write about anymore. I’ve thought about writing. Writing about Diablo, my 360 controller nonsense for my PC, getting Grandia II for my birthday (and the glitches and problems with the game), and Season 4 for Diablo. I actually have things I can write about, but the act of writing seems exhausting.
So instead I thought about writing and instead pouted on the inside and refused to do anything but escape. Escape was what I needed.
There are many things I learned about myself, my writing, and blogging this month, in the midst of huge disruptions and epic loss. The hope is that I can find the energy to write more anyway.
Blaugust has been an amazing experience, and I had a ton of fun all month!
Even if I’m a loser.
And a huge shout-out to @Belghast for organizing and keeping track of everything. And to anook for giving us all a place to “meet up” online, our clubhouse of sorts. Congrats to those of you who managed to write 31 posts this month. And an even bigger congrats to those of you who came and tried in spite of everything. It takes a lot of courage to start something new and put yourself out there!
And here’s another one of those writing prompt pooooosts! I have the time right now (and my hands need a break from crafting anyway and I’d really rather not do actual schoo homework soooo…)
If you were to create content for a different medium what would you choose? Videos, Streaming, Podcast, Something Else? What about that medium appeals to you as a content creator?
I would love to stream more. This is something I’ve actually considered doing more, but I always feel really overwhelmed by it all. There’s a certain kind of community surrounding streamers and they’re, um, how do I say this, less nice to women than the general twitter community I participate in. There’s an expectation and a double standard for women streamers and content creators that doesn’t exist with men. It’s really noticable and off-putting, to say the least.
I wanted to stream 3DS games, really. Mostly my ridiculous adventures in Animal Crossing while I tried to max my house and pay off my debts and caught bugs. I doubt that it would have been entertaining for many, but there was a point when I was playing so much Animal Crossing I figured why the hell not. It’s apparently a thing to speed-run it and pay off all debts asap. I even paid the money to get a 3DS with the capture card. I played around with it some and then never did anything with it.
I would stream sometimes, but it always seemed like I’d get randoms that would comment on how fuckable I was and that just ruins the experience. I realize I can’t get an audience if I never stream, but I just didn’t want to do my hair and put on make-up to be “presentable” to stream. I just wanted to play some damn games.
The reality is that it’s more than just playing games. Which of course requires me to have to put on pants and make sure my hair is brushed. The same goes for creating videos, which is the other thing I considered wanting to do.
Both suffer from the double standard of having to create content that is relevant and interesting, but not being TOO pretty or showing TOO much skin or I’ll just be ‘whoring myself out’. So I have to be pretty enough for random dudes on the internet to want to fuck me, but not so pretty that I’m intimidating or off-limits??
So I guess I just never got over the fears of being overrun with negativity on the internet (you know, the sort of negativity I should just accept as part of being on the internet) keeps me from creating content that I’d like to make.
This post is part of the #Blaugust series.