There are a million things I can list under the “Epic Fail” category of my life. It seems that one of the biggest failures of my life happens to be online dating.
While online dating isn’t puppies and cupcakes for everyone, I hear enough stories of folks finding their spouse on some online dating site or another. I see people pair up on twitter. I see people pair up in all avenues of my life. For the most part I’ve enjoyed my pardon from relationships, but the second I consider stepping back into the ring the people send me packing.
So of course, as I do ever so often, I decide to try my hand at online dating. Again.
I reenabled my OKC account. I have a feeling I’m gonna regret it in 2 hours. Also, deleted almost everything I wrote. /shrug
— Hestiah Ravenwood (@hestiahdruid) May 8, 2015
Which quickly led to:
I told you I would regret this, twitter, why didn't you tell me this was a bad idea??!?
— Hestiah Ravenwood (@hestiahdruid) May 9, 2015
Less than an hour and I regretted it. My best friend keeps telling me that I should just wait it out. That if I bail that quickly I’m potentially missing out on the opportunity to meet good people. That with all things I have to wade through the garbage to find the gem. After a couple of days I even went so far as to pay for the premium features to see if maybe that would help me find more meaningful matches (hint: It didn’t). I looked at eharmony, but it seemed those folks were peddling pipe-dreams and false-realities. Especially considering they’re forcing you to sign up for a minimum of 6 months. I realize that it’s going to take some time to find someone you click with, but forced 6 month memberships? No thanks. I have a sneaking suspicion that the quality of men available on eharmony isn’t REALLY that much better (I’m sure it’s better but I doubt it’s $180 better).
The hardest part about all of this is feeling as though I am somehow flawed. That I’m limiting myself by being so adamant about specifics. No babies or children of any sort (previous or future ones). Played video games. Not a misogynist. Not a jealous control freakshow. And someone *I* find attractive (The measurement of attraction is very subjective and this doesn’t mean that someone has to be a fucking super model, but only that I need to want to have sex with you). I get that I also bring to the table a history of previous relationships and experiences, but I didn’t realize that these things were so undesirable.
Maybe they are.
I think the hardest part about all of this is watching relationships happen all around me. Ending, beginning, continuing, flourishing. All. around me. And I keep wondering if I’m just doing something cosmically wrong. Or if it’s just not the right time in my life. Or I’m not ready for an actual relationship. Or, well, that my “deal breakers” are so unwavering that I eliminate a large portion of the population (I know the kid one does, especially for people in my age range).
So this is my epic fail. Online dating. Yay.
At least I always have this guy: