I promise I won’t cry – #Blaugust Day 3

Content Warning: Difficult subjects including but not limited to sexual abuse, losing a family member, feminism, gay rights, etc.

The act of crying elicits a lot of emotional response from others. Some people get pissed at you for being a cryer because they believe you to be weak or pathetic. Other people are emotionally sympathetic and will want to cry with you.

When we started the residency we were warned not to use the time as personal counseling. Put more simply, we weren’t supposed to talk about the really trying and difficult things. On a scale of 1 to 10, we were supposed to keep the seriousness of the roleplaying scenarios under 5 and preferably around a 3. Examples of what I’m talking about are siblings who fight, a parent wanting a child to get better grades in school, a spouse that isn’t keeping the house clean, or a roommate that’s not pulling their own weight. Problematic, but not traumatizing.

After lunch we watched the professionals do a roleplay and then discussed how to incorporate specific methods of eliciting information and asking questions. The sort of stuff that you can know theoretically but is much harder to do in practice (as I’m learning).

The last two days have been a humbling experience to say the least. While I am book smart, it’s clear that I (like many others) have a difficult time deviating from my own norms and behaviors.

To keep us all from sleeping, the professor did a line game. Everyone starts on one side of the room. The professor reads off a statement and if it applies to you, you walk across the room, turn to face your peers, and look to see who is with and not with you.

As you can imagine in a counseling cohort, this included some really difficult questions. To put it simply, it was an exercise to explicitly show us the ways in which we cannot assume *anything* about other people and the ways in which we are more similar than we might otherwise believe.

The questions began with things like “I consider myself to be Catholic.” And one or two people walk across the room and then walk back. “I consider myself to be Protestant,” and after a little more clarification, this equated to Christian but not Catholic. A few others walk across the room and walk back. “I identify as African American.” Two people walk across and joke about not being alone, then walk back. “I identify as multiracial.” I walk across, alone. I joke about it being a lonely walk, and walk back.

The questions grew in intensity to include “I believe that it’s a woman’s right to have an abortion.”, “I consider myself to be a feminist.”, “I have a friend or family member that has been sexually assaulted.”, “I have a friend or family member that has AIDS or HIV.” There were times I didn’t look up from the floor when I walked across. Other times I didn’t want to see those on the other side of the line from me out of shame. Mostly vulnerability.

It was the discussion afterward that really became difficult.

Professor: “What surprised you?”

Me: “How often people were on the other side of the line with me.”

Professor: “What other feelings did you experience when doing this exercise?”

Someone: “Sadness.”

Me: “Shame.”

Professor: “Did it change the way you viewed the others?”

Me: “Sometimes I wish I were the only one walking on the other side of the line, because you really don’t want to believe that we all know someone that’s been sexually assulted. And I’d rather be on the other side of the line by myself.”

Someone: “Some of the statements could have been worded and didn’t include ourselves.”

Me: “I think for some of us, we ARE our own family. And we could very well have been walking across the line for ourselves.”

Professor: “When we leave here today, remember who had the hardest time and struggled with some of these, but still were courageous when they walked across. I won’t single anyone out, but it was very obvious for some.”

I was the first to cry. I called myself a cry baby, though I think it made others more mad that I did. Others said they couldn’t look at me because they were already on the verge of tears themselves and if it wasn’t me it would have been them.

It was an emotionally draining experience, but also one that really did bring our group closer together. Tonight is a larger group going to dinner. We’re gonna get some deep dish pizza as a group. The professor made a point this morning to say that he had never experienced a cohort that had been as close knit and willing to help each other as we have been, especially not after the first day.

On the board at the end when we were summarizing the end of day 2, I made sure to include that we were the best group.

And it’s okay now for others to cry cause I took that fear of being the first one away.

This post is part of #Blaugust 2015.

7 comments

  • Ysharros

    Amazing exercises and insights. Thanks for sharing! (Said by one who cries all too easily in private but is dreadfully ashamed when it happens in public. 😉 )

    • Hestiah

      I’m learning a *lot* about becoming a counselor and dealing with stuff I’m experiencing. So the entire process has been kind of amazing. Blaugust seemed like the best time to share some of these things. Not just to give a post, but because it seems like the best sort of story to share. Thank you so much for commenting and coming back! 🙂

  • Dahakha

    I think that kind of…epiphany?…is just as important for social workers and counsellors as the book-learning and techniques that you learn. Thank you for sharing.

  • Missy

    It is okay to cry, it’s a human emotion, just like laughing or being angry. People are not weak because they cry, it’s healthy. You cry cause you need to. But I can understand that it’s difficult to do publicly, but sometimes it helps others to, too see that it’s okay to let the tears come. Best of luck to you!

    • Hestiah

      We’ve become a really tight-knit group in a very short amount of time. Our professor has said as such and he said that it happened really quickly with our group. I appreciate them more than I could ever express. And the exercises have been really eye-opening.

  • Ari Carr

    That sounds exhausting, but also a really interesting exercise. I never considered the amount of work and movement around your own demons that you’d need for counselling training.

    • Hestiah

      Academically, I know to deal with those demons before doing actual therapy. But there’s something kind of strange about understanding something, feeling as though you’ve done those things, and then having them thrown in your face like that. Things are a little more difficult on us because we’re not just “future counselors” we’re future family counselors, which includes a whole lot of other extra stuff that individual counselors don’t attend/pay attention to.